well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
