Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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