Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
