I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I checked into jail on foursquare
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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