M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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