There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
