Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
