I met the friendliest cop last night
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
