just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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