did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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