The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
