textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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