Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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