There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize