listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
