i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
