Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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