i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
