Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
