life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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