I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
