Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
