I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
