I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
