we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You ruined the universe
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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