I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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