If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I wish you could order shots online.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
