3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
