It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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