She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
