My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
