I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You were trust falling into bushes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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