Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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