put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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