Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
