She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
