either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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