I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
