we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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