My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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