Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
