There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
