dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
