so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
