I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
