Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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