Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
