It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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