You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
