does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Even my vagina gasped.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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