I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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