please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
