glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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