I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
