You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So here I am, sexting at work.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
