i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
