You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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