his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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