why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
