Someone shit on the floor
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Never joke about your clitoris.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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