Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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