you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
