OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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