does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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