No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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