my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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